"Lying to Children is perfect for fans of Tom Perrota, Jonathan Tropper and Nora Ephron. It ll have you experiencing happiness, laughter, sadness, heartache, and every emotion in between." -Redbook
A fictional father writes letters to his college-aged daughter and son remembering events, large and small, from their family s past in the poignant and hilarious Lying to Children. This collection of sometimes outrageous, sometimes sad, often heartwarming interconnected vignettes features a delightful confessional celebration of family life told in stories from a dad's unique perspective. Centered around the untruths parents regularly tell their kids in an effort to protect (or silence) them--from "Daddy Loves his Job" to "There's a Jolly Fat Man who Brings You Presents (Assembly Required)"--Lying to Children is an unforgettable familial history filled with laughter, tears, and life lessons, and brimming over with a somewhat-less-than-perfect suburban dad's unwavering love.
Andy Martello has heard this question over a thousand times. Martello is the self-proclaimed most famous non-famous person in the world. In an entertainment career spanning well over 30 years, he has had the opportunity to meet and work with some of the biggest names in television, movies, sports, politics, and music. Stupid Stories About Famous People details the ridiculous things he has said or done when interacting with the world’s biggest celebrities and offers humorous, heartfelt anecdotes of what brought him, a struggling entertainer, face-to-face with these entertainment icons.
What would you say if you met Audrey Hepburn, Michael Jordan, or Ted Kennedy? How would you handle having lunch with Tony Curtis? What would you do if you suddenly had to sing the blues with Buddy Guy? These are Andy Martello’s Stupid Stories About Famous People.
What do you get when six retirees find themselves trucked off (not entirely willingly) on a get-acquainted trip before moving into Cedar Branch Retirement Community? A week of outlandish fiascos, hilarious revenge, memorable tears, and most important... laughter. Derrick St. Clair, a social worker for CBC, has led many trips for this eccentric community, but never experienced a crew of new residents like these. One thing of many that Derrick didn’t expect was falling in love with co-worker Katlyn Rose, only to have his crew of creative seniors take advantage of his distraction to plan their own trip, including stealing the van and rearranging the attitudes of three disrespectful young men. With a lady’s man from Manhattan, two kooky sisters from Arkansas, a grumpy husband from Alabama, and a quiet recent widower from Atlanta, Derrick will find this week one for the books. Take a trip with Cedar Branch and fall in love with the characters that now reside in the number-one retirement community in the South. Who knows—you just might make plans to move in.
If you deal with customers day after day who drive you insane, give you reasons to drink alcohol, or make you want to quit your job, this book is definitely for you. A chaotic and hilarious image of a used car lot owner, Julia Karr. Her feisty attitude and fearless approach to managing a business, how it affects her home life and dealings with customers will have you scratching your head about humanity. Seeing the business world through Julia's jaded eyes may convince you that owning a business isn't what it’s cracked up to be. Her attitude is drenched with sarcasm and dipped in crazy sauce. She blames the car lot.
What if you wrote a steamy, erotic novel that was so hot bookstores couldn't keep it on their shelves? What if you couldn't tell anyone you wrote it?
At night, nurse Cassie Calabria pens a bodice-ripper novel, using an alias. She sends it to a few agents, then forgets about it. She's more than surprised when she gets an offer for a publisher to include her book, Wild Rose, in a "summer-of-love special." Wild Rose becomes a blazing bestseller. Suddenly she realizes she can't let anyone know that she wrote it. What would her children think? Or her own mother, who "taught her better," and, worse, her husband who would question her made-up fantasies of sex on the beach. How could she be thrown into the "red-light district" spotlight and still be a good mom?
His little sister joins the circus. His parents buy a nerdy horse. He's surrounded by hundreds of men dressed up as Ernest Hemingway. He tries to order a monkey through the mail. And now his baby is eating dog food.
Matt Geiger's award-winning stories reveal the sublime in the mundane and the comical in the banal. There is existential dread. There is festivity amid detritus. There are moments of genuine introspection on what it means to be human. And it's all laugh-out-loud funny when told by a humorist who is determined to live an examined life, even if he's not always entirely sure what he's looking at.
Fiction. In Gary Gildner's fourth collection of stories, composition teacher Wanda Delight, in heels long and sharp enough to pierce a rattler, loses her heart to prime example Timmy Sheean; WWII vet Sergeant Major George Prolly flees Piney Woods Rest in his wheelchair, leaving behind Miss Flambeau the exotic dancer; Kansas City lawyer Mary Beth Urquhart makes her way among her long-ago college poetry professor, truck driver Marvin Gaye, and the cologned-up, slippery father of a White Sox pitching phenom. Elsewhere, the bishop's teenaged nephew and yard boy, "Samson" Tuohy, is smitten by Professor Singh's young cello-playing wife Isabel—plus there's Polish beauty Beata, old bronc rider Ray Wheeler, Aunt Gussie, the king and queen of the swans, and many more.
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A sense of humor twisted or otherwise makes life more palatable.If you are honest, it feels great to say what you think, and not what is PC.
There is an invigorating sense of freedom when we speak our mind. "Fractured Proverbs & Twisted Thoughts" indulges your irreverent and wicked side. Take a look at the world around you through the prism of humor. Nothing is off limits. The Proverbs, the words of Willy Shakespeare, familiar adages, songs, and jingles, they are all fair game as they pass through the twisted labyrinth of the author's mind.
Humans take themselves and their puny lives too seriously. The intent of "Fractured Proverbs & Twisted Thoughts" is to reach inside the reader for a wry smile, a wide grin or a belly laugh.
Join us! Indulge in a few twisted thoughts of your own.
Twelve-year-old Travis Warnofski dreams of being a superhero. But the only person who can make it happen is an uncle he can't stand. Excerpt: Smoke poured from all four wheel wells. The coupe sprang forward, slamming Trav into his seat…Supercharged ion streams sprayed from the headlights, the parking lights, the turn signals and even the hood ornament. Both side mirrors spat plasma. Trav whooped over the engine’s thunder. “This is a definite rush.”
When something embarrassing happens to you, what is the first thing you do? Look around to see if anyone else saw you? Not Keith Stewart. Instead, he writes it all down and shares it with the world. Join in on the fun as Keith shares his Hysterical stories that include ripping down gas pumps, fighting with a bird trapped inside a grocery store, and confronting the one and only Bernadette Peters. After reading the hilarious memoir of this klutzy, southern man, you will feel better about your own humiliating moments, and instantly feel like you have gained a new best friend.
It's the night before the SAT test. The forces of darkness are stirring.
Twin brothers, Bing and Ron Slaughter, know they've got to cram like their lives depend on it because their college plans sure do. If they don't ace the test, they'll be doomed to spend the rest of their days flipping burgers at the McDonald's their parents run. That's why they hatch a plan to meet up with the members of their punk band, the Ephits, spend the night studying at a secluded cabin in the woods, and maybe squeeze in a little jamming. What could go wrong with a brilliant plan like that?
Ancient evil. That's what.
As a cataclysmic lightning storm rolls in, Bing, Ron and the rest of the Ephits find themselves tangled in a sinister plot to summon a demon. Yes, demons are real. To survive the night, the band must find a malevolent artifact, battle bloodthirsty monsters and stand against the most dangerous and powerful foe humanity has ever faced...the Golfer's Association.
Fish Wielder is kind of like Lord of the Rings, set in Narnia, if it was written by the guys who made Monty Python and the Holy Grail while they were listening to the music of They Might Be Giants.
In ancient times, the Dark Lord Mauron cooked the most powerful magic chocolate dessert ever made, the Pudding of Power. One thousand and two years later, the evil leader of the Bad Religion, the Heartless One, is trying to recover the lost pudding in order to enslave the peoples of Grome. Only the depressed barbarian warrior Thoral Might Fist and his best friend, Brad the talking Koi fish, have a chance to save the world of Grome from destruction, but that's going to take a ridiculous amount of magic and mayhem. Thus begins the epically silly epic fantasy of epic proportions, Fish Wielder—book one of the Fish Wielder Trilogy.
Lori B. Duff, a recovering lawyer/writer/wife/mother/tired person, follows up her hilarious best selling books, "Mismatched Shoes and Upside Down Pizza" and "The Armadillo, the Pickaxe, and the Laundry Basket" with her third collection of essays, the eLit gold medal and Readers Favorite bronze medal winning "You Know I Love You Because You're Still Alive: Confessions of a Middle Aged Working Mom." Lori's relatable and witty stories about every day life will have you snorting with laughter while nodding in recognition.
“Lori Duff fully admits to having a high tolerance for shenanigans and an inability to feel shame while making a fool of herself. Those traits combine to make a hilarious, and sometimes tender, book full of stories about a modern mother and her ever-challenging life….Lori’s quick wit and charm will definitely win you over.” – Keith Stewart, author of Bernadette Peters Hates Me
Planet Schmoo is so far into outer space it is the last stop before heaven. When a cataclysmic seismic intervention decimates their world, the Schmooans look for refuge on Earth and a continuation of the lifestyle to which they are accustomed.
Homeland security agent Calvin Swift and his girl-friend, the alluring Alicia Angelico, already have their hands full with interstellar visitors. The once-in-a-millennium Intergalactic Games are in full swing and now they are alerted to alien refugees and their potential to replicate at will.
From the first splashdown in the Hudson River, the visitors also make their presence felt in France, Switzerland, Indonesia and Mongolia. These creatures are smart, inventive and very athletic, and when their intentions become obvious, even President Daphne Doolittle is at a loss. She doesn’t know what to do.
This fast-moving humorous narrative pits the superior intellect of the aliens against the gritty determination of one man and his lady, with a little help from his British counterpart, the suave MI6 agent, Bulldog Bartholomew. With the fate of the world at stake, who else would you turn to?
Anyone can be forgotten. No matter how wonderful they are, no matter how unlikely they brim with kindness and inner beauty, you can get over anyone. The only trick is really wanting to.
This is what Harold believes. He has no choice…
Severe introvert by day, misguided dating guru by night, Harold starts a Youtube channel to workshop his elaborate strategies for seducing Emma, the girl of his dreams. But when he finally works up the courage to ask her out, he discovers that Emma is only using him to get fodder for her own dating blog – the one she’s set up to test ways to seduce Leopold.
As it turns out, Leopold is actually one of Harold’s dedicated followers. When he savagely misunderstands and mis-applies Harold’s advice, he suddenly finds himself hugely successful with the ladies, Emma included.
Faced with this strange new problem, Harold comes up with what he believes to be the strategy to end all strategies.